Xin Zhizhunvxing (WeChat account: xinzhizhunvxing)
Written by: Xin Zhizhunvxing's senior author, Lv Milu
Broadcast by: Kai Xiaoxi
What to Do after a Cold War?
From Xin Zhizhunvxing
00:0019:45
Xin Yuejun says:
A cold war implies a deliberate indifference, and indifference looks like disinterest. Disinterest is a major provocateur in relationships.
"It's day 16 of the cold war, only 5 more days before I will be comfortable without him."
My friend, who's usually very active and talkative, surprisingly keeps calm this time around during the cold war.
She said, "There's a 21-day habit-forming period, isn't there?"
Day 1, I won't greet him in the morning or at night, and let him worry and constantly check his call logs.
Day 2, I won't make him lunch and let him order takeout by himself and suffer stomach upset from waiting too long.
Day 3, I won't accompany him for a walk and let him cross the street lonely.
Day 4…
My friend seems quite sure of a victory this time.
But what if the other person has the same idea?
A cold war that lasts for 21 days usually implies a silent agreement between both parties that whoever speaks first loses.
You would rather suppress your own needs than prove that the other person is wrong.
1
"Winning versus Losing" is the Worst Damage in a Cold War.
In a marital relationship, there's a group of people from the "I'd Die If I Don't Speak" planet, a cold war is definitely a deadly technique to them.
For someone from this planet, it's quite a horrifying thing not to give an answer immediately after an argument. This is because they are essentially anxious and insecure deep inside, and they believe the health of an intimate relationship is defined by intimacy.
Tactics like cold war can largely break down their defense mechanism in a relationship, and once a consensus is reached with the partner, it means tearing up the Code of Conduct of an intimate relationship and that there's no room for reconciliation in the future.
People from this planet often have very low self-esteem, and their early attachment relationships are full of anxiety.
Their parents' love varies depending on circumstances: For instance, they may be cheerful and run towards their parents, but their parents may be angry; they may run away from their parents in fear, but their parents may give them the loving care they need. This sense of uncertainty in an intimate relationship makes them feel overwhelmed. They don't know how to respond in a relationship, and are uncertain of whether their partner will abandon them next.
People from this planet choose to be the peacemaker first in order to dispel their partner's doubts, even though they have said "don't be with someone who likes cold wars, such people cannot give us a sense of security" countless times in their heart. In the end, they would rather wrong themselves because they think keeping the relationship is much more important than saving face.
Based on this, people from this planet have little advantage in a cold war, but does it mean people from the "Cold War" planet won't get hurt or, to be more precise, they won't lose?
Of course not, the higher the self-esteem, the deeper the hurt. This is also the reason why "Cold War" people are afraid of admitting defeat.
There may be "Cold War" people who don't necessarily think their partner is wrong, but rather their heads are in a mess over how to mend the relationship and they have to spend time quietly pondering and blaming themselves, which their partner misinterprets as being irresponsible. Additionally, some "Cold War" people don't allow themselves to make mistakes. They may feel wronged and feel like they need to quietly give their partner some form of punishment.
For instance, a "Cold War" person may set a deadline after an argument with their partner of 99 days. If the partner shows up at the foot of their apartment building every day, seeking comfort, reconciliation, or forgiveness, and does so persistently for 99 days, then the "Cold War" person will dispel their doubts, approach their partner, and approach their partner. But when the partner realizes that the "Cold War" individual remains indifferent over the past 98 days and eventually loses patience and leaves by day 99, the "Cold War" person's self-esteem will be dealt a fatal blow and will live in a self-defeating cycle.
A "Cold War" person's world needs order. They have become accustomed to the many rules that their parents had laid out for them in their early days, such as that each character must be written clearly, that toys must be placed in specific slots, and that there is no room for error. Making a mistake would mean being punished. Such obsessive-compulsive thinking makes it very difficult for them to reconcile with their partner in a relationship. They dare not admit to their own mistakes, as this would make them less perfect in the relationship.
Whether you are from the "I'd Die If I Don't Speak" planet or the "Cold War" planet, a cold war is only a form of argument and a transformative process in an intimate relationship. During this process, it is very easy for the two of you to define each other with the following ideas:
It's obviously you who's wrong. If I speak first, it will mean I'm wrong too.
I know I'm wrong, but if you don't speak first, that can only mean you don't value me.
So who's right or wrong?
Right and wrong implies winning and losing, which is a win-lose mentality. Two people with the win-lose mentally will engage in a cold war once a consensus is reached, and the damage will only begin. Even if the "I'd Die If I Don't Speak" person admits defeat, the problem is not truly resolved, and the vicious cycle later on is a certainty.
2
A Cold War Is Sometimes a Good Thing
There is a couple who is very good at handling a "cold war": Guan Gu and You You in the TV show "Love Apartment".
In one episode, Guan Gu and You You each made a time capsule and they agreed to put the most important things to them inside, and open the box together fifty years later. You You put in the box all of the things that remind her of Guan Gu. But surprisingly, there was nothing related to You You in Guan Gu's time capsule.
You You was furious, and the consequences were serious. She thought that Guan Gu did not value their relationship and refused to talk to him anymore, and started the cold war.
But Guan Gu did not apologize, but instead devised a rule together with You You:
Temporarily shelve the topic being argued about, reconcile first to restore peace, and then refine the analysis of the cause of the issue and determine the best solution when there is time and space.
This way can give both parties more time to consider each other's interests and values.
The way Guan Gu and You You handled their cold war can be broken down into three steps:
Initiate a Ceasefire
You You: "Don't apologize to me, don't expect me to talk to you!"
Guan Gu: "
审视这对伴侣的相处模式，我们可以发现有害的一面在于他们互不信任。尽管他们对建立信任的方式存在分歧，但这恰恰透露出一个重要信息：“我们都需要彼此的信任，这是一种双向承诺，连接着我们的未来，双方都渴望建立一段长久的恋爱关系。”
为了重归于好，他们需要做的就是建立彼此的信任并清晰地向对方解释自己的观点。
悠悠解释说，她并不是有意关掉关谷的时间囊，她只是想要确信他们未来的共同生活。
关谷告诉悠悠，尽管他没有在时间囊里留下纪念品，但他确信他们会携手共度余生，并对他们的感情做了长远的规划。
在争执中主动休战，使得冷战变成一种仪式感，让双方在解决矛盾时反而更加默契。能够做到这一点的伴侣通常具有独立的人格意识，清楚地理解如何处理彼此关系中的利弊，从而进行心照不宣的交流。
3
化解冷战的关键在于时机
“我们已经两周没有说话了，我该不该开口呢？”
许多在冷战中备受煎熬的伴侣都会反复问自己这个问题。他们可能像“喋喋不休星人”一样在关系中易于焦躁，也可能像“冷战星人”一样习惯于回避问题。
为了消除焦虑和回避，避免让关系恶化，我们需要把握正确的开口时机，而这个时机的到来取决于我们的感受。
我们的感受源自我们和伴侣之间所经历的创伤性体验。
每当我们感到左右为难，坚信对方即将抛弃自己，开口只会在对方心中激起真的抛弃我们的念头。我们和伴侣之间的问题并没有得到解决，这样的时机是不成熟的。
或者，我们习惯于对伴侣置之不理，试图通过疏离来威胁对方，迫使其主动求和，那么这样的时机也是扭曲的。
只有当我们愿意认清创伤背后的动机，放弃揣测对方的想法，真正有利的时机才会到来。在此之前，我们需要思考以下几个问题：
1.我在冷战时的感受是什么？
2.我的哪些言语和行为伤害到了对方？
3.对方有哪些优点是被我忽略的？
4.我们需要澄清关系里的哪些误解？
5.冷战的持续会给双方的关系造成怎样的伤害？
6.我们需要给彼此将来的关系怎样的建议？
根据这六个问题，我们可以整理自己的想法，在调整好自身的情绪以后，再去跟对方开口。
开口时，我们先不要急着将这六个问题呈现给对方，而要尊重对方此刻是否愿意接受这样的交流。我们可以试着先谈自己的感受，让对方知道我们在冷战期间是怎样的心情。
我们的目的是不想让两人的关系越来越疏远，如果之前我们有伤害到对方,记得要做出道歉，相信你的诚意对方可以感觉到。不要强迫对方马上能够原谅我们，只有在对方也愿意和解，修复之前感情里面存在的问题时，才有可能跟对方谈到将来关系里建议的部分。
要知道，最好的爱情不是不吵架，而是吵架了还能在一起。